I'm rambling...

I've learned a lot lately. By lately, I mean today. I would respectfully request that you bear with me as I ramble on about some of the more... life-changing things I've realized. In hindsight, it's all very common sense, but hey, it's been a long weekend and we could all use a good life lesson reminder now and again, right?

No matter what path in life you choose, you'll never get EVERYONE to agree with it. And if you live your life for everyone else, you never get to live your own life. (<--- That's 'bout to be my FB status, y'all)

Anyone that knows me knows that I welcome the opinions of others, take them into consideration and then do whatever I dang well please. Know why? Cause *I* am the one that has to put head to pillow at night knowing that when I wake up the next day I have to live with the consequences of the actions I took the day before.

You know what else I've learned? People change over the years. And that's ok. I think it's called EVOLVING. (And I don't mean in the chimpanzee to human sense) I mean you live and learn. Literally. Things that were VERY black and white at 21, suddenly have a few shades of gray thrown in a decade later. A position in which you'd NEVER thought you'd budge or see another side of suddenly becomes crystal clear... from the other side.

And lastly, the hardest lesson I've had to learn- a true friend doesn't cut you out of their life b/c you make decisions they don't agree with. (<---Pardon my dangling participle) They may not talk to you as much... they dang sure won't agree with you... and you might get a head shake or two, but they DON'T cut you out and tell you "I can't have someone like you in my life"... simply because you aren't doing what they think you should. You aren't forcing your beliefs on them, you aren't trying to get them to join your gang, you aren't doing anything but sharing something that you think is really cool. And yet they still cut you out. Sad.

The good news is, I don't have to live with the consequences of that action. I mean, it sucks I won't have a relationship with that person anymore. But it's on their terms. I have no problem with them. If they decide that maybe they were a lil judgmental and double checked that name plate (that didn't say GOD on it) and call me up, I'll welcome them with open arms. Maybe that's dumb of me, but I've also learned that it really IS hard work to stay mad at someone. It really IS hard work to judge somebody up and down. So, I choose not to do it. (Assert my opinion? Yes. Call someone a dumbass? Yes. But cut a loved one out of my life cause they went a different way than I woulda gone? Heck no.)

To Wit: My best friend and I do not always agree on things. She does some things that really get my head to shaking. I assert my opinion and tell her I think she's being a dumbass and then you know what I do? Tell her I love her no matter what and change the subject to what does she think about that dude on that one episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. Know why? Cause I love her. Unconditionally. (Someone double check me, but I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible somewhere) She does the same thing to me. Shakes her head, calls me a dumbass and then we talk about what happened on the latest episode of Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew.

DISCLAIMER: If there's someone in your life who is a bad influence b/c they're harping on you constantly to do bad things then please, by all means, make arrangements to distance yourself. But I think having someone try to convince you to build a meth lab in your kitchen for em is in a whole nother league from sharing exciting news about a possible life change (that's not illegal).

I take great comfort in the fact that to call out people who exhibit this type of judgmental behavior and cutting of the ties (who also usually happen to be under the age of 25. Coincidence? I think not) would be depriving them of the EVOLVING I mentioned, above.

So to all my younger readers out there (ha. ha. This is funny because I have sooooo many readers.) Keep what Auntie Mandy has said in the back of your mind, but most importantly: KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN. Cause when you close it off... when you deal in absolutions... you back yourself into a corner. And that's a real hard place from which to extract yourself. (<---Proper English. SCORE!)

You Know You Got It Bad

when you spend $335 that coulda bought a PLANE TICKET to the happiest place on earth (Minnesota, y'all. F Disney World) on NFL Sunday Ticket.

Cause you just gotta see your boys make the plays.

It's clear. I'm a Vikings fan, now.

FOR LIFE.

My Vacation Was So Epic, it has its own PLAYLIST.

1. Murder Reigns- Ja Rule

“I feel the rain comin’ down on me… when the sun gon’ shine… My Lord, somebody help us all”

Dang right. Whoever invented 4:30am should be drug out into the street and shot. A 7:15 flight doesn’t sound so bad WHEN YOU ONLY LIVE 20 MINUTES FROM THE AIRPORT. Factor in an hour and a half drive and shit just got real, y’all. That was my bad. And I’ll be on the EVENING direct flight outta Jacksonville from now on.

2. But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Lookin’ For- U2

“I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields, only to be with you… but I still haven’t found what I’m lookin’ for”

Mama needed some Starbucks. Mercifully, I didn’t have to look far because the geniuses at JIA strategically placed a Starbucks DIRECTLY in front of the security exit. They then strategically placed Starbucks next to Terminal A. And 50ft down Terminal A, they strategically placed Gate A5- my gateway to Narnia, I mean, Minneapolis.

3. With You- Chris Brown

“… you mean to me, what I mean to you, and together there’s nothin’ we won’t do…”

That’s me and Kelly. Period. The second I jumped into that girl’s vehicle I LITERALLY felt a shift and all was right in the world again.

4. I’m So Hood- DJ Khaled

“I’m out the hood, and if you feel me put your hands up…”

Little did I know that going knockoff purse huntin’ in the Minneapolis ghetto was on my bucket list. It was and it is now crossed off. Me and Dolce & Gabbana have bonded. Fake or not, my purse is hot.

5. Fancy- Drake

“Spendin’ hours in the salon on your hairstyles… in the mall steady rackin’ up the airmiles.”

Three words: MALL OF AMERICA. That is all. That is enough.

6. Raise Your Glass- P!nk

“So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, All my underdogs, we will never be, never be, anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks.”

Go Twins! Target Field was awesome, and even though the underdog Twins lost to those fancy-schmancy Red Sox, we raised our glasses to em!

7. Lazy Song- Bruno Mars

“Today I don’t feel like doin’ anything. I just wanna lay in my bed…”

I didn’t dub Kelly’s basement bedroom “The Cave” for nothin! I literally spent an entire day in that sucker. Watched me some Regis and Kelly, watched me some Ellen… Millionaire Matchmaker, Basketball Wives. Frickin’ awesome.

8. The Edge of Glory- Lady GaGa

“I need a man that thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong… right on the limits where we know we both belong… I wanna run right to, to the edge with you, where we can both fall over in love.”

For those of you that know me. You know what I’m referring to. And I’m referring to it TWICE. Thank you and good night.

9. Like a G6- Far East Movement

“Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6”

10. Put It Down- T-Pain

“Drinkin’ and sippin’ on that Patrone, we done been got it on, boo”

11. Club Can’t Handle Me- Flo Rida

“You know I know how, to make em watch and stare as I zone out. The club can’t even handle me right now. Watchin’ you, watchin’ me, I go all out. The club can’t even handle me right now.”

Now those three songs pretty much sum up our night with the Vikings- and I don’t mean those pale faced folk from Scandanavia. I mean the Mother F-ing MINNESOTA VIKINGS. Training camp is in Mankato at Minnesota State- which is exactly 26 miles from New Ulm. We happened to go out Thursday night. Which happened to be the last night of training camp. And whaddya know? The boys were unwinding at a lil bar called "Boomtown."

Donovan McNabb grabbed my love handle, y’all. I had words with Adrian Peterson, gave Christian Ponder a hug for luck, did a shot of Patrone with Jamarca Sanford and like to fell head over heels for rookie running back #48 Matt Asiata. Which leads me to…

12. If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

“Do you come here much, I swear I’ve seen your face before. Hope you don’t see me blush, but I can’t help but want you more… Baby tell me what’s your story, I ain’t shy, don’t you worry, I’m flirting with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight... I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again, won’t let you get away, if we ever meet again. This free fall’s got me so, kiss me all night don’t ever let me go. I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again.”

I. HEART. MATT. ASIATA. Just… Google him. He is the cutie-est, patooty-ist thing to ever come out of Utah as far as I’m concerned.

And yes, he’s a Mormon. The fact that I told him I was one too pretty much made his night. Some blonde bimbo came to hit on him, he grabbed my hand and didn’t turn loose till the coaches rounded erry-body up for curfew. *sigh* If we ever meet again INDEED.

Sidebar: Saturday we watched our boys play the Tennessee Titans. It’s a whole new experience once you KNOW them. Like personal ‘n shit. It was like cheering for family. Go Vikings!

13. Down on the Farm- Tim McGraw

“Well you can come as you are, there ain’t no dress code…”

The Brown County Fair was in town and out came the country girl. I loved on me some goats, and sheep, bunnies and piggies, cows and even a llama and a camel.

14. Don’t Wanna Go Home- Jason DeRulo

“Ayo, me say, day, oh, daylight come and we don’t wanna go home…”

All good things must come to an end, so Sunday I flew back to the dirty south. *cry*

Even now, as I write all of this out, it seems like 99% of this stuff was a DREAM. I cheered on the Twins, partied like a G6 with the Vikings, got fancy, the club couldn’t handle me… kept myself “grounded” with the help from a certain someone so I could come home and keep on livin’ life. It’s hard to imagine that we could ever top those 9 days.

To that I say, roll on Christmas week. Cause I already know the first song on THAT playlist:

1. 2012 (It Ain’t the End of the World)- Jay Sean

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Finally! It's almost time! 2 more days of work and then I am OUTTA HE-AH! I shipped all 24 lbs of clothes and shoes up yesterday. My packin' skillz iz gettin' better the more I go up there. I can't wait to see my Kelly, go to the Twins game and just RELAX.

Highs in the mid-70s will rock, too.

And I can't lie... I'm intrigued to see what happens with Twatwaffle. According to my trusty Magic 8 Ball, things could get... interesting. (You should know that Magic 8 Ball has, like, a 90% accuracy rating. That's better than Delta's percentage of flights showing up up on time, y'all.)

Don't know if I'll post again before I go, but if you're friends with me on FB, you'll be able to see what I'm up to till I get back. (As one of my bosses/FB friends put it "It's like watching Gulliver's Travels or something!")

Anyways, play nice. And if you can't be good, be good at it.

*MWAH*

It's (almost) my birthday and I'll bitch if I want to

I know what I SHOULD be. I should be grateful. I should feel BEYONDDDD blessed that come this Saturday at 8:55pm, I'll have been given 31 years of life.

Make no mistake-I am grateful. No one loves me more than me (Trust me there) so I don't wanna kick it for a good long while.

But let's get this straight: I'm grateful for LIFE, not for age.

I cannot shake the fact that I'm going to be THIRTY-FRICKIN-ONE years old. It just sounds... ancient! I'm not sure WHY it's bothering me so bad (Yes I am. My gotdang vanity, but I'm trying to come up with some noble reasons here) I know that every birthday since my 21st has been met with AWFUL trepidation.

I had a meltdown on my 23rd birthday. A full blown, all out, no holds barred MELTDOWN. I was inconsolable for a day and a half.

Mandy Smith: Hatin' on her birthday since 2003!

I have no logical reasoning for any of this. I'm happily divorced (Y'all know we're way happier now than we were when we were married), I've had a kid- with no plans for another- I've got a college degree and a career. I've got a house, a nice car, money in the bank, a best friend that I visit almost whenever I want. I've got... well, we'll just call it a "distraction"(or a twatwaffle. Whatever.) for when I decide I wanna daydream. Hells bells I even got a 401k with thousands of dollars in it.

Wanna hear the funny part? (Also known as irony) I have more money now, less stress, I LOOK better physically (True story- I was, like a size 10 when I was 23), I FEEL better mentally (except for this whole birthday BS) and overall I'm WAY better off.

Have I mentioned I'm a walking contradiction?

There's nothing I can do. I can't stop Saturday from getting here... I can't stop the numbers from ticking up, up and away.

Clearly I can't stop the blind panic that seems to get exponentially stronger every year.

Anyways. There's really no point to this post. The title says it all: "It's (almost) my birthday and I'll bitch if I want to"

Hugs to all of you for hearing me out. XOXO

Really? Wow.

I'm proud to report that the twatwaffle broke rank night before last and texted me. I'm also proud to report that it's clear I had made more peace than originally thought with the whole thing because you coulda knocked me over with a feather when I saw that sucker come in.

I'm SAD, however, to report that I texted back and that the conversation went on for a few hours.

I did NOT unleash hell- I figured that was a dish best served personally.

Like next weekend maybe?

What surprised me the most was the context of the text "So are you ready for your birthday?" (Oh yeah, that's what I got after 3 weeks of NOTHING. Not "Hey"... "'Sup?"... "Sorry I snapped at you for no reason, please consider this my mea culpa")

Ok. REALLY? You ask me that a week EARLY and then when I ask "Do you even know when my birthday is?" I get the correct response (Yes, July 30) and I even get ("And 31 is not old")

Stop with the mind f***!!! Granted you can see all of that on FB, but since when have you shown THAT much initiative to go LOOK?!?

Life would be easier if my brain overruled my heart sometimes, I swear.

I freely admit. I'm sitting back and waiting to see how this ordeal plays out. I'm not even gonna front.

And I have my BFF on standby with a shock prod if I get outta line.

Blame HIM (points upwards to heaven)

Today's quote is brought to you by Rosie O'Donnell in the movie "Beautiful Girls"

“OK, look, girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t f*** around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. If you don’t like it, call him.”

Yes indeedy. If you don't like it, call HIM.