You Know You Got It Bad

when you spend $335 that coulda bought a PLANE TICKET to the happiest place on earth (Minnesota, y'all. F Disney World) on NFL Sunday Ticket.

Cause you just gotta see your boys make the plays.

It's clear. I'm a Vikings fan, now.

FOR LIFE.

My Vacation Was So Epic, it has its own PLAYLIST.

1. Murder Reigns- Ja Rule

“I feel the rain comin’ down on me… when the sun gon’ shine… My Lord, somebody help us all”

Dang right. Whoever invented 4:30am should be drug out into the street and shot. A 7:15 flight doesn’t sound so bad WHEN YOU ONLY LIVE 20 MINUTES FROM THE AIRPORT. Factor in an hour and a half drive and shit just got real, y’all. That was my bad. And I’ll be on the EVENING direct flight outta Jacksonville from now on.

2. But I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Lookin’ For- U2

“I have climbed the highest mountains, I have run through the fields, only to be with you… but I still haven’t found what I’m lookin’ for”

Mama needed some Starbucks. Mercifully, I didn’t have to look far because the geniuses at JIA strategically placed a Starbucks DIRECTLY in front of the security exit. They then strategically placed Starbucks next to Terminal A. And 50ft down Terminal A, they strategically placed Gate A5- my gateway to Narnia, I mean, Minneapolis.

3. With You- Chris Brown

“… you mean to me, what I mean to you, and together there’s nothin’ we won’t do…”

That’s me and Kelly. Period. The second I jumped into that girl’s vehicle I LITERALLY felt a shift and all was right in the world again.

4. I’m So Hood- DJ Khaled

“I’m out the hood, and if you feel me put your hands up…”

Little did I know that going knockoff purse huntin’ in the Minneapolis ghetto was on my bucket list. It was and it is now crossed off. Me and Dolce & Gabbana have bonded. Fake or not, my purse is hot.

5. Fancy- Drake

“Spendin’ hours in the salon on your hairstyles… in the mall steady rackin’ up the airmiles.”

Three words: MALL OF AMERICA. That is all. That is enough.

6. Raise Your Glass- P!nk

“So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, All my underdogs, we will never be, never be, anything but loud and nitty gritty dirty little freaks.”

Go Twins! Target Field was awesome, and even though the underdog Twins lost to those fancy-schmancy Red Sox, we raised our glasses to em!

7. Lazy Song- Bruno Mars

“Today I don’t feel like doin’ anything. I just wanna lay in my bed…”

I didn’t dub Kelly’s basement bedroom “The Cave” for nothin! I literally spent an entire day in that sucker. Watched me some Regis and Kelly, watched me some Ellen… Millionaire Matchmaker, Basketball Wives. Frickin’ awesome.

8. The Edge of Glory- Lady GaGa

“I need a man that thinks it’s right when it’s so wrong… right on the limits where we know we both belong… I wanna run right to, to the edge with you, where we can both fall over in love.”

For those of you that know me. You know what I’m referring to. And I’m referring to it TWICE. Thank you and good night.

9. Like a G6- Far East Movement

“Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6”

10. Put It Down- T-Pain

“Drinkin’ and sippin’ on that Patrone, we done been got it on, boo”

11. Club Can’t Handle Me- Flo Rida

“You know I know how, to make em watch and stare as I zone out. The club can’t even handle me right now. Watchin’ you, watchin’ me, I go all out. The club can’t even handle me right now.”

Now those three songs pretty much sum up our night with the Vikings- and I don’t mean those pale faced folk from Scandanavia. I mean the Mother F-ing MINNESOTA VIKINGS. Training camp is in Mankato at Minnesota State- which is exactly 26 miles from New Ulm. We happened to go out Thursday night. Which happened to be the last night of training camp. And whaddya know? The boys were unwinding at a lil bar called "Boomtown."

Donovan McNabb grabbed my love handle, y’all. I had words with Adrian Peterson, gave Christian Ponder a hug for luck, did a shot of Patrone with Jamarca Sanford and like to fell head over heels for rookie running back #48 Matt Asiata. Which leads me to…

12. If We Ever Meet Again- Timbaland ft. Katy Perry

“Do you come here much, I swear I’ve seen your face before. Hope you don’t see me blush, but I can’t help but want you more… Baby tell me what’s your story, I ain’t shy, don’t you worry, I’m flirting with my eyes, wanna leave with you tonight... I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again, won’t let you get away, if we ever meet again. This free fall’s got me so, kiss me all night don’t ever let me go. I’ll never be the same, if we ever meet again.”

I. HEART. MATT. ASIATA. Just… Google him. He is the cutie-est, patooty-ist thing to ever come out of Utah as far as I’m concerned.

And yes, he’s a Mormon. The fact that I told him I was one too pretty much made his night. Some blonde bimbo came to hit on him, he grabbed my hand and didn’t turn loose till the coaches rounded erry-body up for curfew. *sigh* If we ever meet again INDEED.

Sidebar: Saturday we watched our boys play the Tennessee Titans. It’s a whole new experience once you KNOW them. Like personal ‘n shit. It was like cheering for family. Go Vikings!

13. Down on the Farm- Tim McGraw

“Well you can come as you are, there ain’t no dress code…”

The Brown County Fair was in town and out came the country girl. I loved on me some goats, and sheep, bunnies and piggies, cows and even a llama and a camel.

14. Don’t Wanna Go Home- Jason DeRulo

“Ayo, me say, day, oh, daylight come and we don’t wanna go home…”

All good things must come to an end, so Sunday I flew back to the dirty south. *cry*

Even now, as I write all of this out, it seems like 99% of this stuff was a DREAM. I cheered on the Twins, partied like a G6 with the Vikings, got fancy, the club couldn’t handle me… kept myself “grounded” with the help from a certain someone so I could come home and keep on livin’ life. It’s hard to imagine that we could ever top those 9 days.

To that I say, roll on Christmas week. Cause I already know the first song on THAT playlist:

1. 2012 (It Ain’t the End of the World)- Jay Sean

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Finally! It's almost time! 2 more days of work and then I am OUTTA HE-AH! I shipped all 24 lbs of clothes and shoes up yesterday. My packin' skillz iz gettin' better the more I go up there. I can't wait to see my Kelly, go to the Twins game and just RELAX.

Highs in the mid-70s will rock, too.

And I can't lie... I'm intrigued to see what happens with Twatwaffle. According to my trusty Magic 8 Ball, things could get... interesting. (You should know that Magic 8 Ball has, like, a 90% accuracy rating. That's better than Delta's percentage of flights showing up up on time, y'all.)

Don't know if I'll post again before I go, but if you're friends with me on FB, you'll be able to see what I'm up to till I get back. (As one of my bosses/FB friends put it "It's like watching Gulliver's Travels or something!")

Anyways, play nice. And if you can't be good, be good at it.

*MWAH*

It's (almost) my birthday and I'll bitch if I want to

I know what I SHOULD be. I should be grateful. I should feel BEYONDDDD blessed that come this Saturday at 8:55pm, I'll have been given 31 years of life.

Make no mistake-I am grateful. No one loves me more than me (Trust me there) so I don't wanna kick it for a good long while.

But let's get this straight: I'm grateful for LIFE, not for age.

I cannot shake the fact that I'm going to be THIRTY-FRICKIN-ONE years old. It just sounds... ancient! I'm not sure WHY it's bothering me so bad (Yes I am. My gotdang vanity, but I'm trying to come up with some noble reasons here) I know that every birthday since my 21st has been met with AWFUL trepidation.

I had a meltdown on my 23rd birthday. A full blown, all out, no holds barred MELTDOWN. I was inconsolable for a day and a half.

Mandy Smith: Hatin' on her birthday since 2003!

I have no logical reasoning for any of this. I'm happily divorced (Y'all know we're way happier now than we were when we were married), I've had a kid- with no plans for another- I've got a college degree and a career. I've got a house, a nice car, money in the bank, a best friend that I visit almost whenever I want. I've got... well, we'll just call it a "distraction"(or a twatwaffle. Whatever.) for when I decide I wanna daydream. Hells bells I even got a 401k with thousands of dollars in it.

Wanna hear the funny part? (Also known as irony) I have more money now, less stress, I LOOK better physically (True story- I was, like a size 10 when I was 23), I FEEL better mentally (except for this whole birthday BS) and overall I'm WAY better off.

Have I mentioned I'm a walking contradiction?

There's nothing I can do. I can't stop Saturday from getting here... I can't stop the numbers from ticking up, up and away.

Clearly I can't stop the blind panic that seems to get exponentially stronger every year.

Anyways. There's really no point to this post. The title says it all: "It's (almost) my birthday and I'll bitch if I want to"

Hugs to all of you for hearing me out. XOXO

Really? Wow.

I'm proud to report that the twatwaffle broke rank night before last and texted me. I'm also proud to report that it's clear I had made more peace than originally thought with the whole thing because you coulda knocked me over with a feather when I saw that sucker come in.

I'm SAD, however, to report that I texted back and that the conversation went on for a few hours.

I did NOT unleash hell- I figured that was a dish best served personally.

Like next weekend maybe?

What surprised me the most was the context of the text "So are you ready for your birthday?" (Oh yeah, that's what I got after 3 weeks of NOTHING. Not "Hey"... "'Sup?"... "Sorry I snapped at you for no reason, please consider this my mea culpa")

Ok. REALLY? You ask me that a week EARLY and then when I ask "Do you even know when my birthday is?" I get the correct response (Yes, July 30) and I even get ("And 31 is not old")

Stop with the mind f***!!! Granted you can see all of that on FB, but since when have you shown THAT much initiative to go LOOK?!?

Life would be easier if my brain overruled my heart sometimes, I swear.

I freely admit. I'm sitting back and waiting to see how this ordeal plays out. I'm not even gonna front.

And I have my BFF on standby with a shock prod if I get outta line.

Blame HIM (points upwards to heaven)

Today's quote is brought to you by Rosie O'Donnell in the movie "Beautiful Girls"

“OK, look, girls with big tits have big asses, girls with little tits have little asses. That’s the way it goes. God doesn’t f*** around, he’s a fair guy. He gave the fatties big, beautiful tits, and the skinnies little, tiny niddlers. If you don’t like it, call him.”

Yes indeedy. If you don't like it, call HIM.

"Fiddle-Dee-Dee"

But first? A birthday shout out:

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GISELE BUNDCHEN! YOU BIONIC BE-YOTCH!"

The only thing giving me comfort is the fact that no matter what, Gisele, you will ALWAYS be 10 days older than me. Always. You will also always look 25 times better than me. But that's because you're a billionaire. And bionic. And that's okay. Cause you're STILL older than me.

Hag.

Next subject!

You may remember in my previous post we discussed principle and my fierce dedication to it. I've had approximately 21 hours to reflect on that post and around hour 10, it dawned on me that there was a deeper issue at hand with they-who-shall-not-be-named and the fact that they haven't said anything to me (besides the obvious, previously discussed principle of the matter, of course).

But first. More background. (I'm such a historian. I know. But this is an integral part of not only my theory, but also who I am as a person, so humor me.)

When I read a book I can almost ALWAYS relate to at least one of the characters. That IS part of the reason we read, right? To escape into this imaginary world and say "Oh I would TOTALLY be like that!" Of all the books I've read (and BELIEVE ME, I've read A LOT) the two characters I most closely identify with- and have had people back me up on- are Stephenie Meyer's Bella and Margaret Mitchell's Scarlett O'Hara.

I have Bella's "Super Self-Control." I don't always wanna exercise it (We all know how bad Bella wanted her some human blood when she was on that first hunt with Edward!) but when it's truly necessary, I have it. I also agonize and agonize over a decision. But once the decision is made, the rest is follow through. I'm not one to go back on a decision and I'm grateful for that.

The one I REALLY embody though, is Scarlett. And it's not just because I'm half Irish. Today, I'm only going to bore you with one of the ways I'm like Scarlett. To list them all, and my subsequent admiration for this character, would take much more of an attention span than either you or I could muster.

*Sidebar: Kudos to Vivien Leigh and her British self rockin' that southern accent. AMERICANS can't rock that accent as well as you did. Thank you for not butchering it.*

I realize that some of you may not be as familiar with Gone With the Wind as I am. I seriously read this book when I was, like, 8 years old. And it's seriously about 4" thick. The movie is about 4 hours long... and they edited out half the book.

Gone With the Wind is both my favorite book EVER and my favorite movie EVER. (Yes, even more favorite than Twilight.)

The story begins abouuuuut 3 days before the Civil War breaks out with Scarlett as this spoiled little southern princess. Truly, her vanity gives mine a run for its money. She loved to look pretty and have the guys falling all over her. And boy did they. Those guys fought over who got to sit next to her at the Bar-B-Que.... then they fought over who could go get her dessert. Then the guy who she CHOSE (yes, CHOSE) to go get her dessert about passed out from happiness and declared his undying love to her.

That bitch had GAME, y'all.

But there was one guy she wanted- Ashley Wilkes. WHY she wanted Ashley Wilkes was a mystery to me for the longest time. (Personally, I thought the Tarleton Twins were MUCH cuter. And once we get to Rhett Butler? *swoon*) Anyways. Scartlett wanted her some Ashley Wilkes. But Ashley Wilkes only wanted him some Melanie Hamilton.

*'Nother Sidebar: Ashley and Melanie were first cousins. They got married. They had a kid. Can we say "EW!"? No wonder everyone thinks all the southerners are inbred. Thanks a lot, Margret Mitchell!*

This irritated Scarlett to NO. END. It didn't matter how pretty she was, how much money she had, or how many guys were panting after her, SHE. WANTED. ASHLEY. Now she'd amuse herself with other men in the meantime- there's a reason her full name is Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler- but she never took her eyes off the prize.

Anywho, as the story goes on, the war breaks out, all the women are left to fend for themselves and Scarlett ends up realizing just how mentally strong she really is. Them damn Yankees was NOT gonna beat her down. Sherman's stormin' Atlanta, you say? To hell with him! After the war was over and she was about the only family member left with enough kutzpa to take care of Tara (the plantation that was her heart and soul) she sees Ashley again. And Ashley sees Melanie again. And Scarlett's irritated again.

I don't wanna spoil the ending for you audience members that have yet to experience the awesomeness that is Gone With the Wind, but I will say this (because it's the point of this entire blog post and the reason you've humored me this long): When it's all said and done, Scarlett has an epiphany: It's not that she LOVED Ashley so much. She just wanted Ashley to want HER. She realized they really had NOTHING in common and once she got him that she would get bored in about 3 seconds. Of course she cared about him and loved him in her own way. But that true blue, deep, long-lasting love? Nah. She just hated that he wanted damn "mealy-mouthed" Melanie Hamilton over her. (That's a real quote, btw, "mealy-mouthed". That's how proper southern ladies cussed back then.)

So that's the root of my problem: I just want that twatwaffle to want me. By not texting or acknowledging my existence on a regular basis, I process that as "lack of interest" and get pissy. Sure I care, and we have a good time together. But when it comes down to it, that's the source of my irritation and bitterness: there's something out there (probably work) that's his "Melanie"... and it irritates me.

But not anymore. Nope. I'm cured. Or at least I'm on my way. Things have changed in my little corner of the south. People that have been a part of my life for a long time have done the impossible and changed in a way that has brought me more enjoyment than I've experienced in years. I'm going to be happy with my Rhett Butler, because he's the one that I really have the connection with. And in the end, that's what I need to focus on. Because that's what's going to bring me long-term happiness.

So I'll leave you with this: a fan made trailer of Gone With the Wind. It's the least I can do after giving you the massive headache you're now experiencing from reading this mess.

XOXO