But that got me to thinking... A lot has happened since October, and I'm just not quite sure where to begin. I do know this, though: I really am full up in the retard department!
Development 1: Ed's home.
Well, he's not HOME home. But he is back in Florida. Bless him, his lil brain was not dealin' with cold and dark too well. Apparently he's more sensitive to the cold than I am. 40 degrees and this southern gal was walkin around in jeans and a sweater. He looked like Nanook of the North with his beanie hat and gloves and 25 jackets. The worst part was the dark, though. He had to be at work at 7am and most times it was after 7pm when he got off of work. That far north, the sun doesn't rise until about 8:45am and sets at 4pm. Poor boy never saw the first ray of sunshine. That's not healthy. He was on the verge of death. (For reals, he had about one more day left before he OD'd) I was up there over Christmas and we made the decision to bring him home. It just wasn't worth risking his life anymore. He's in Tampa now, living with his sister and her family and training for his new job with a heavy equipment company. This company has great benefits and a great future for him. Best of all, when he's done training, they'll send him back up this way to work in a service truck, so he'll be all up and down the I-10 corridor. Yay!
Development 2: I have a twin!
Not in looks, but in just about every other way. Same interests, same shoe size, same ring size, same way of thinking. I HAVE to be the luckiest girl in the world. I have my BFF in Minnesota (who is such the polar opposite of me that we compliment each other) and I have my carbon copy twin in Minnesota. The first time I ever met her was last month when I flew up there, even though we'd been talking for months before that. I'm even gonna be in her wedding next year. The connection was THAT instant.
Development 3: Thanks to my twin, the twatwaffle problem has been solved.
It's this development that made me realize that everything really DOES happen for a reason. My twin and I started talking randomly because of a mutual friend. Come to find out, my twin knew twatwaffle. She knew him well. She knew him well because he tried to hook up with her.
Let me repeat that for all you fast readers: She knew him well because he tried to hook up with her.
Within a week of when she and I started talking, I decided to confide in her about the twatwaffle... and my confusion over some of the actions I was observing. That's when it allllll started to unravel. I will say this: The odds of him getting caught were on the slim side of none. He was playing with fire, but the fire was on opposite ends of the country. "Of all the gin joints in all the world..." right?
I woulda taken that bet. And I woulda LOST. Just like he did.
Interestingly enough, about the time that my twin and I put two and two together (Twatwaffle was just bouncing back and forth between us, seeing whichever one he could, when he could.) Ed started to really get it in gear. We'd had a rough few weeks since he'd moved up north. He'd been pretending he was 23 and hot to trot, when really he was 33, overweight and officially the "old creepy guy" that hit on younger girls. I won't begrudge him his mid-life crisis. But I can tell you it didn't set well with me. Luckily, it all worked out. As did the twatwaffle situation. I gained a twin and a lot of perspective
Development 4: I may be full up in the retard department, but he's MY retard in MY department.
Bless his heart, Ed has a lot of learning to do. But he's trying. Oh, how he's trying. I honestly do the "face palm" move at least 3 times a day when it comes to him, but I know without any doubt in my mind, that man loves me more than just about anything. He's got a long road to wander down... he's still got a lot of learning to do. But we'll do it together. No man will ever love our daughter more than him. That one thing keeps me going when I just wanna smack him.
Development 5: How the heck did my kid get to be 5 so fast?!?
WTF, Life? Slow the heck down. There's no rush. Can I please enjoy my one and only offspring just a little longer before she becomes smarter than me? Yeesh. Next Thursday is gonna be here before I know it!
Development 6: The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I am still vain, I am still a size 4 and I am still (sorta) hoarding my money.
Development 7: Maybe I shoulda gone to law school after all.
That guy that hit my car last summer? He got a careless driving ticket. I totally disagreed- those lights are timed for SHIZNIT and if you don't drive that route DAILY, you are just askin' to be another victim of the City of Tallahassee's piss poor traffic engineering department. So like a good lil samaritan (and by good lil samaratin I mean scared to death of the karma fairy) I went to traffic court with him last week and got him outta his ticket. I believe the judge's exact words were "I'm not gonna argue with the love fest... y'all have a nice day." The kid still can't believe his good luck and my karma point cup runneth over.
(My boss actually asked me the next day if I'd 'given that whole goin' to law school thing any thought' I told him that yes, yes I had. I had thought about it and filed it under "Things to do when I'm rich and have nothing better to do with 3 years of my life." Seriously, these people pay ME to learn the tricks of the trade, yet I don't have any student loans, work bankers hours and get to enjoy my vacations. Law school? Negative, Ghostrider. I got it TOOOOO good.)
Development 8: Mama drives a Yukon now.
Only temporarily. Ed bought one when he was up north. (He claimed it was for the Four wheel drive, I claim it was because Ed wanted something new) Either way, that mo fo sucks down fuel quicker than Lindsey Lohan at a frat party so I GRACIOUSLY told Ed that he could borrow ALexus for his commuting needs down south and *I* would selflessly drive the purdy gas guzzler with the booty warmers.
Development 9: Booty warmers are the best. invention. EVER.
Nothing warms you up faster than getting into a toasty warm seat on a cold morning. Nuff said.
Development 10: For once in my life, I really can't complain.
I mean, I COULD, but none of it's legit. Never fear though, as the political season ramps up I am SURE that I will be on here ranting and raving about some stupid candidate that has gotten all up in my craw.
I promise to do a better job of updating this year. Things got so crazy the last part of 2011, that I couldn't even stop to breathe (which could have been a contributing factor in all them panic attacks)
XOXO
