Trazadone: I love you so hard right now!

Y'all. Trazadone is the bomb diggity. It keeps me asleep! Combine it with a Benadryl and some Valerian Root and I just wake up when the alarm goes off. Hope springs eternal. Let's see if we can get it to keep doing its job! :)

Solving life's mysteries one anxiety ridden night at a time...

Y'all. I'm pissed. PIIISSSSSED. It's 4am here in (I can't even say sunny because it's still before the buttcrack of dawn) Florida and I've been up for two, count em, TWO mother-f'in hours.

WHISKEY.

TANGO.

FOXTROT?

This week alone I've taken Valium. I've taken Klonopin. I've taken Vistaril. I've taken Dramamine. 

NOTHING. KEEPS ME. ASLEEP. 

I'm on the verge of breaking Conrad Murray outta jail and asking for the Michael Jackson special (Not the death part. Good Lord, y'all. I heart myself too much!) I just want the sleepy juice. Propophol: Come to Mama!

On the plus side of things, my house is nice and clean. After I abandoned all hope of going back to sleep, I got up and swiffered the floors, dusted, picked up my closet, wiped down the kitchen counters, loaded the dishwasher and coordinated my jewelry. 

I also discovered the answers to a few of life's great mysteries. If you'd prefer to suffer and solve these on your own, I won't be offended if you stop reading now. If you'd like to make me feel like my anxiety is actually somewhat productive, by all means, please forge ahead.  

Mystery #1: "How does one have enough time and energy to do herself up like a Kardashian at the NBA Draft?"

Answer: (***SPOILER ALERT***) One doesn't frickin sleep. I might feel like poo, but my hair's gone be did, my juuury gone be coordinated, my DSW Steve Maddens gone be spiffed up, my makeup's gone be perfect... BECAUSE I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO.

Mystery #2: "What do you do when there aren't enough hours in the day to do it all?"

Answer: (***SPOILER ALERT***) You don't frickin sleep. House? Clean. Laundry? Done. Checkbook? Balanced. Car? Detailed. (<--- don't ask) 

I'd keep going, but I think you get the drift. The answer to getting it all done is OCD induced insomnia. 

You're welcome. 

Abilify: Because sometimes Prozac AND Buspar just ain't enough

First of all, a vacation recap:

It was pretty awesome. Not as awesome as August, but really, what can top partying with the Vikings? (Answer: NOTHING) It was great to get away for a week and it was REALLY great to see my BFF and sleep in The Cave and enjoy the nice cool weather and no humidity. My sinuses cussed me GOOD when I got back to the South. 

Of course, the day after I get back from Minnesota I have a doctor's appointment. Dr. Morse added Abilify to my already potent mixture of Prozac and Buspar. I've only been on the Abilify for a couple of days, but he's very hopeful that it will help me "separate" from the eating disorder. 

One thing I've noticed is that my body is now responding to hunger. Not with an "Ooh! I'm hungry." But with the shaky, clumsy, low blood sugar symptoms. (In other words, I fall. A lot. It's embarrassing. And painful. And that's all I have to say about that.) That's good though. At least now I have a reason to eat vs. being able to talk myself out of it. 

This is definitely an on-going thing. I have a calorie tracker and I have to watch myself because once I hit 1,200 calories, I just wanna stop eating. But I know that's not the point of the exercise; I'm supposed to EXCEED 1,200 calories and get closer to 15-1,800. 

I'm also flat worn out. Just dog-A tired from all of the internal battle combined with lack of sleep. They ain't lyin, y'all- stress kills. 

Anyways, for the most part I'm keepin it between the ditches (as we say down here). All of the positive thoughts are most appreciated. 

XOXO 

The Prozac Diaries: Chapter 4- Why HELLOOOOO there! Nice of you to join us!

So for the first time in... I honestly don't know how long, I had a short period of time yesterday with NO. ANXIETY.

I know, right? *fist bump*

Surprisingly my food diary is helping me. I am seeing that I can eat and not gain weight (thanks to a more stable metabolism and regular Zumba, I've actually lost a couple pounds. At least that's *my* version- and I'm stickin' to it) I also looked at my tummy yesterday when I was getting dressed and caught myself thinking "You know... my tummy is pretty!"

I had a hard time going to sleep last night, but I purposely didn't take anything. I was so proud of myself for making it through the afternoon and evening that I wanted to keep trying. Of course this morning I was shaking like a leaf, but I put a little bit in my tummy and that helped.

Today I'm going to get mah hair did with Ed's sister- and hopefully CJ will let Chels cut her hair, too! Tomorrow I have to go back to the doc for a checkup and Friday I see my counselor. Then FINALLY it's SATURDAY. The day I fly north for a week of cool weather and relaxation.

With any luck the Prozac will have made itself RIGHT at home by the time I get back to civilization. :)

PS: Thank you SO MUCH for all of your love and support. I can't tell you how much it means to me. (Well, I can, but it's all so sugary sweet that you wouldn't believe me. So... thanks. Just... thanks.)