Clearly I need professional help

(Like we didn't already know that.)

I think I'm pissed. I'm pissed and I don't know what to do about it.

Living down here in this swamp our nation decided to call "Florida" (a name they kifed from the Spanish, I might add) I always wondered if maybe I was a little "swole up" during the summer months. And by summer months I mean the better part of the calendar year; from April-November. My jeans ALWAYS fit better in the winter and I don't feel nearly as gunky as I do the rest of the year. Sure we have sand and sun and Mickey Mouse, but we also have endless heat and humidity. It's just... nasty. Surely when your body is in that WET an environment it's gonna swell up. Right? (Right.)

So that's how my vain behind has been gettin' through this endless hell of summer- with the promise that with winter will come my ability to rock ALL of my size 4s. But, as the summer drags on (and the 4s get a little snug, which means I'm dippin' into the 6's I had stashed away) I get more and more distressed. Then in walks "Logical Mandy" who tries to talk sense into "Vain, Paris Hilton, Mandy" (<--- we'll just call her VPH Mandy)

Logical Mandy: Ho, please. You are barely a size 6 and you're UPSET? Really?

VPH Mandy: Yes! I mean, look at Kim Kardashian! Not fair!

Logical Mandy: Kim Kardashian has a trainer, a chef, an army of hair and makeup artists and, let's face it, no one really knows what size she is. Oh and nevermind the fact she hasn't had a KID. Besides? Why does size matter?

VPH Mandy: It just does. There's something so satisfying about being a size 4. Cause when you're a size 4 then it's just a few more pounds to a size 2...

Logical Mandy: Yeah and then you die of anorexia, or bullemia, or go full retard. And you should NEVER go full retard.

VPH Mandy: *pout*

Folks, Logical Mandy may not win the war on VPH Mandy's sick obsession with vanity, but she has won the battle because, for now, VPH Mandy is MAD. Downright PISSED. Because WTH, America? There was a time when a size 6 was considered THIN. Size 6's were on the gotdang RUNWAYS. (Until that witch Twiggy came along and ruined us. Forever.) Even now, a size 10-14 is where the "normal" average American chick measures in. And here *I* am, 31 years old, with a kid, and bemoaning the fact that SOME of my size 4s don't fit me in the dead of hell. I mean summer.

*beats head on desk*

But I keep a'lookin at those celebrities. I see Kate Middleton and think "Ohhh... she's so tiny. How awesome would that be?" or I see Nicole Ritchie and think "Wow. She always looks so great... I wanna look like that."

(Did I mention that most of these people also probably have stylists? Not Kate. Kate rocks it on her own. But the celebs. They got stylists to pick out what looks best and hides any flaws they have.)

So today, I have vowed to eat and eat happily. This morning they had a fundraiser for the Leukemia and Lymphoma society and I donated $5 to the cause and got me some pancakes and bacon. Yum-diddly um. At lunch, I didn't want anything heavy, so I went for my old standby- California Rolls (with no avocado cause. Ew.) and edamame which, as we all know, is just steamed soybeans. In 40 minutes we're having healthy snack day in the kitchen. That means yummy yogurt, granola and fruit. And it's free. Overall, I've eaten happily and mostly healthy. (Cause pancakes and bacon is NOT the norm- not the EVER- for my breakfast) Oh! It's my friend Jen's birthday today, too. She works here and her bosses brought in cupcakes to celebrate. And I got one. It's cookies and creme. It rocks.

It's not much, but it's a start. Today I am eating and enjoying it.

Suck it, VPH Mandy!

PS: For those of you who don't give a golly gosh darn what size you are, I applaud you. I know I tend to go overboard at times (most times), but I will always be mindful of my weight and size (mostly my size). What I'd really love, though, is to be happy whether I'm a 4 or a 6. Because neither one of those sizes is unhealthy. (<--- Thanks, Logical Mandy!)

So I've been reading a lot

Usually that's not cause for alarm. And I ain't sayin' it's cause now. But when I read to escape vs. read because I'm bored... well, it can get a little scary. So I present to you now, some of the more awesome quotes I've read lately:

"Love: a single word, a wispy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That's what it is: an edge; a razor. It draws up through the center of your life, cutting everything in two. Before and after. The rest of the world falls away on either side."

"Love: It kills you. Both when you have it, and when you don't."

"It is strange how we hold onto the pieces of the past while we wait for our futures."

"Every minute you spend with someone gives them a part of your life and takes part of theirs."

"Is falling in love with someone's story the same thing as falling in love with the person themselves?"

For what it's worth, even though it's (a little) melodramatic. I favor the "Love: It kills you. Both when you have it, and when you don't." quote. It's so true. Love is so very bittersweet. There's that age-old war of "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" vs. "Oh yeah? Try it sometime."

Personally, I think they both suck. I can't imagine never LOVING anyone completely, but having loved someone completely, I've experienced that loss. Like I said, it sucks.

I'm not sure where all of this is coming from (yes I am, I just won't bore you with it) but it's something to think on. Hopefully "Snarky, Bitchy, Cynical Mandy" will make a return next week.

An Open Post to The Bloggess

For those of you who have yet to experience the awesomeness that is The Bloggess, what the heck is wrong with you?!? She's HILARIOUS. Much like with me, though, if bad language and a general lack of political correctness offends you, you probably shouldn't read her.

Anywho, the reason I write this is because the other day Jenny was talking about her cat Posey. Read that post and come back. Don't worry, I'll wait.

******************************************************************************

While I cannot offer ACTUAL vampire blood. I DO (seem to) have an immortal rabbit. I haven't done a scientific analysis to see how compatible cat and rabbit blood is, but considering the rabbit blood is going into the cat (and not vice versa) and cats EAT rabbits, I think it's safe to say that their blood is compatible. My rabbit, Moe is nigh on 10 years old. Mo Fo won't DIE.

Now I pride myself on being an awesome caretaker. I've raised orphaned baby squirrels since I was a little girl and move wayward turtles off the road, lest they become roadkill. And my kid is still alive. I kept her going when she needed me most. But really, when I got Moe in April of 2002, I really didn't think he'd live more than a year or two. All the other newlyweds were getting rabbits, which is the reason I wanted one. Because my friend who'd just gotten married, HER husband bought HER a baby rabbit so I wanted a cute lil baby rabbit too! Dangit.

So with a great, heavy sigh Ed took me to the mall and there I found Moe. My pink-eyed, albino, bunny who I named Kujo initially, cause them damn eyes freaked me out, but somewhere "Moe" got thrown in there and stuck. Moe who I loved SO MUCH that when he was 2 1/2 (and had already outlived the other newlywed rabbits) I took to the vet because his eyes kept watering really bad. That's when I found out MOE WAS BLIND. "It's actually very common in albinos" the vet says. "Wow." I said "That explains SO. MUCH. Like why he always jumped when I went to pet him."

I feel the need to pause here and defend dear Moe's... disability. Moe may be blind, but he ain't stupid. (Obviously, the wanker's figured out a way to outlive most people's DOGS) He's a very proud bunny. He doesn't use sunglasses or a cane (or a guide) and still he's never run into anything. I also found out that bunnies have SUCH a sophisticated sense of smell that after a bit, they can tell, by smell WHO is touching them and whether that person is male or female. C'mon now, I don't care who you are, that's pretty frickin awesome!

Jenny, thanks to you, I have my own, desk-sized Beyonce. She went to Minnesota with me and she loved it. You've added HOURS to my lifespan from the laughs you've given me. Please let me help you keep your precious Posey going. Come take some of Mo's blood. It's the least I can offer after all you've done for me.

This Must Be How Cinderella Felt When Everyone Was at the Ball But Her. :(

So last week (Thursday to be exact) Ed packed up the last of his stuff and booked it to Minnesota, where it is currently a BALMY 58 degrees, cloudy and windy.

But I ain't jealous. Nooo.... not at all.

Bah, who am I kiddin. Haters gone hate. And right now, I'm a hater.

I am not a fan that I was FINALLY starting to like Ed. Finally able to count on him to help around the house and with CJ. And he left.

I am not a fan that he gets to see my BFF daily, and I'm stuck here.

I am not a fan that in about 6 weeks it will still be hotter than Satan's Testicles and he'll be marveling in the beauty that is the first snowfall of the season.

I am not a fan that 2/3 of the people that I love most in the world are up THERE and I am down HERE.

Nope. Not a fan.

I AM, however, a fan of him having the opportunity to get out "on his own" and make it.

I AM a fan of him being true to himself and doing what HE felt was necessary, regardless of what everyone else (including me) thought.

I AM (gonna be) a fan of the money he insists on sending home to help pay down the credit card bills *cough*thataremine*cough* because he knows how badly I want to live near Kelly. I can't do that until the bills are gone and at the rate I was going it would be a few years. With Ed helping, it'll be a few months.

I AM a fan that we're going to be more than a day's drive away from his family so they can't stalk us.

As easily.

The logical part of me knows that this is an amazing opportunity for him. Truly, if it weren't for me or his parents, the boy would not have a roof over his head. Living here he's not even CAPABLE of putting one over his head b/c his industry is so slow right now. I will say this: he was NOT mooching off of me. At all. The fact of the matter is, my mortgage was gonna be paid regardless of whether he lived there or not. So he could stay there. He helped buy food and did work around the house, but I wouldn't let him do more than that cause it was my house and my responsibility.

I cannot imagine being unable to provide for myself and CJ. I cannot not imagine that kind of fear and insecurity. Ed lived it daily.

I cannot imagine having to ask my parents for a DIME. Ed lived it daily.

Then, what started as a joke with me telling Jon last month, "Hey- I know a guy who can rebuild a Detroit in 17 hours!" turned into a legit opportunity for him to make $20/hr, work 50-60 hours/week. (Apparently they do NOT get slow in the trucking industry up north. Jon desperately needed a smart, slightly manic mechanic who could help him from stroking out at 32, Ed needed to be needed and appreciated. And kept busy)

SO. Kelly helped Ed find a place to live- he'll be sharing a duplex with an older guy, who seems totally cool, according to Kelly and Jon (and Ed). He's only gotta pay $300/mo for rent, and that covers everything except the food he wants to eat. He'll live all of 6 blocks from Kelly, and a few miles from work. Won't need much gas, doesn't have any other bills to pay 'cept his cell phone and the Snap-On man. He'll save some, he'll spend some, but a good chunk will come home to me to save and pay off my good friends at American Express and Mastercard. For the first time in his life, he'll be putting a roof over his head and unselfishly providing for his "family" without help from anyone. F-in' A, man!

I feel the need for a disclaimer: I told him he provided fine. He paid his child support, he helped out around the house and with CJ, and that's all he needed to do. He said he was glad that those things helped, but it wasn't enough for him, as a man. He felt that bringing in money was a huge part of what constituted "providing" and he had a chance to make it. Short term loneliness, long term happiness. And that's ok. He has to be right within himself, ya know? It's not ALL about money, but if we ever want to get ahead and live worry free, we need to be done with the bills and live off one income.

I also feel like this is a great litmus test for our relationship as a whole. CAN he resist the temptation to blow all that money? To be come the dependable partner/father that he wants to be? To be my knight in shining armor?

Or is Kelly gonna end up taking a turn at throwing him in the padded room for a few days?

Then there's me. I have a great job and a house down here. I refuse to be a landlord, so I'll have to sell the house in a crap market (which is fine. I'm content for someone to just take over the durn payments. It's not like I HAVE to make a profit on this sucker. I just want it off my books) I'll be giving up the Princess-iest job in the world, that brings in lots o' money and benefits. Don't even get me started on the FRINGE benefits.

So what do I get in return? (Because keep in mind, I'm going NOWHERE unless I have no bills and money in the bank in MY NAME in case shiznit goes down at some point. Mama will ALWAYS have an escape fund. Always.)

I get the dependable man I always wanted. (Dependable Man also comes with self-esteem, a stronger work ethic and a Kung Fu grip to handle those wankers that get in your way) It also just so happens to be the same man which I have invested much time and love into, and who's my baby daddy.

I get to try a different way of life at a good time in my life (I'm still young- relatively speaking- and since we wouldn't move until CJ was done with VPK, she'd have to start "real school" anways. It's not like she'll be totally uprooted). Besides, if I decide I hate it there, then we come back to Florida debt free and with no regrets because, hey, we gave it a shot.

I get to live near my best friend!

I get to see leaves change!

I get FALL! And SPRING!

Because there won't be debt, I will get to take time setting up a house (we'd rent until after CJ was done with Kindergarten, then reevaluate and decide which one of us would buy a house if we opted to stay for a longer period of time) and I can take my time choosing a job that I'll really enjoy vs HAVING to take a job because I have bills to pay.

Much like Ed lived with me and I paid "my" bills here, I would be doing the same with him. He would be paying "his" bills and CJ and I would live there (enter: Escape Fund, just in case) Any money I make would go into savings for tires, alignments (cause their roads succcckkkk up there) and visits home. Because metal would have been tested and proven, I would trust that he would pay the bills, he would trust that I would keep a healthy savings account and neither of us would be liable for anything (like vehicle payments) since our finances would be separated because we aren't be married- and have no plans to be anytime soon.

Bad-scene scenario? Ed tells me mid-February, "Baby, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I tried, but when my year is up, I need to come home. I know I'm partly miserable b/c you aren't here, but the lack of sunlight is really messing up my brain, the meds aren't as effective and it's just not good for me long-term." Shoot, I can respect that. So he comes home next fall and we're debt free.

Worst case scenario? Ed's up there, blows the money he was supposed to send home, I still get child support and continue on my original plan of paying down my bills slowly, but surely, and live in security with my job, in my house here in Tallahassee.

WORST worst case scenario? The bills are paid off, the house is sold, we move up there, Ed flips out for some unknown reason, I have my escape fund and CJ and I live just fine, like we do here.

See? Even my contingency plans have contingency plans. (Thank you, FSU Risk Management Department for your EXCELLENT teaching staff!)

Overall? I'm REALLY excited. Because I finally have a chance to get out of debt quickly and start new. Some people *cough*mydaddy*cough* can't fathom why I'd want to leave the set up that I have here. It's not that I WANT to leave it, but I can say "I know I'd regret it if things fell into place and I didn't take the opportunity." I'm a real believer in things working out the way they're supposed to. That Ed was able to move up there, get the job and start working happened WAY too well and WAY too easily for it to be sheer coincidence. If the same happens here for us to be able to move, then we will.

For now? I'm kinda sad. Like the title says "This must be how Cinderella felt when everyone went to the ball but her." I feel like I'm missing out... I feel like I'm "stuck" scrubbing the floors and doing the laundry while everyone else is having fun. But then I remind myself, that's not the reality. Reality is that Kelly is MY best friend, not Ed's. And while he loves her to pieces, and her him, they'd both rather *I* be there with them. Ed is working 60 hours a week in a place he's been to only once (for the interview, 3 weeks ago) in a climate he's had ZERO experience with (except for that one week in 1999. For real. He spent a week in the snow Michigan in 1999. And hated it. Yet, he's gonna go give it the ol' college try for me. Awww...) And he's doing it with relatively little "life" experience, because he's been so sheltered/enabled all these years.

Y'all... that's pretty freakin' awesome. Downright ballsy. Could he fall on his bum? Ab-so-frickin-lutely. But he can also OWN this. He can prove to everyone- most importantly, himself- that he's fully capable of having this gawd-awful illness (bi-polar disorder) and still function juuuuust fine, thank you very much.

When I asked him why- why would he leave everything he's ever known he said "I know how much you love Kelly and want to be near her... and I know I need to prove myself. This can accomplish both. I just want to be with you and CJ. You could tell me you wanted to live in Alaska and I wouldn't care, just as long as I was with you and CJ. If I can go up there and live a few months on my own, send home money and help get you where you want to be faster, then how can I NOT do this?"

Wow.

Yeah. He MIGHT just be a keeper. Proof'll be in the puddin', but he's off to a good start. What's that old saying "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."?

Personally, I like "SHOW. ME. THE MONEY!"

Greedy beyotch, remember?

Wishes and Regrets

There's a lot of things I "wish" for.

I wish I hadn't gotten into credit card debt.

I wish I had kept that stupid Saturn and paid the durn thing off.

I wish I had saved more money.

I wish I had more patience with kids.

I feel like if all the above had happened, I'd be in a much better place right now. Less irritated, perhaps. I wouldn't be worried about paying down debt (though, honestly, I'm really not WORRIED about it, I just want it gone).

But honestly, that's it. Regrets? Got none.

Zero.

Zilch.

NADA.

Because I live life with no regrets.

I don't REGRET my credit card debt. It made me realize the value of a dollar. To those of you *cough*myparents*cough* who don't have to get $20k in the hole to figure this out, then kudos to you. I did. I'm grateful I was smart enough not to rack up more than I could afford to pay each month (ie: I pay WAY more than the minimums, even though I can't pay off the full balance)

My Saturn was a good car. And Lawd how I took its gas mileage and $1.25/gallon gas for granted! But if I hadn't traded her in, I wouldn't have gone down the line to get ALexus. Which I adore, is much more spacious and whose gas mileage is actually still pretty decent. I'm pretty sure ALexus is in this for the long haul. She's mah be-be.

Saving money. Again, the value of a dollar. I see people who have a crap ton of money "saved" and it does em no good cause they're too paranoid to spend it. *cough*myparents*cough* Saved money is good- a few months' worth of income is best- but I'm convinced that you can save too much just like you can spend too much.

Patience with kids. Yeah. I think I probably have juuuust enough. Probably what I shoulda said is I wish I wanted more kids. Cause then I'd get to experience nursing and stuff again. But you couldn't pay me enough to shell out all the money I've already shelled out on another human being again. Ever. (And if you question the validity of that statement, I'd direct you to previous blogs wherein I describe my issues with selfishness lol)

I guess the moral of this post is: MODERATION.

Spending? Moderation

Saving? Moderation

Cars? Moderation

Kids? For the love of Pete, MOD-ER-A-SHON (I'm lookin' at you, Michelle Duggar)

I'm rambling...

I've learned a lot lately. By lately, I mean today. I would respectfully request that you bear with me as I ramble on about some of the more... life-changing things I've realized. In hindsight, it's all very common sense, but hey, it's been a long weekend and we could all use a good life lesson reminder now and again, right?

No matter what path in life you choose, you'll never get EVERYONE to agree with it. And if you live your life for everyone else, you never get to live your own life. (<--- That's 'bout to be my FB status, y'all)

Anyone that knows me knows that I welcome the opinions of others, take them into consideration and then do whatever I dang well please. Know why? Cause *I* am the one that has to put head to pillow at night knowing that when I wake up the next day I have to live with the consequences of the actions I took the day before.

You know what else I've learned? People change over the years. And that's ok. I think it's called EVOLVING. (And I don't mean in the chimpanzee to human sense) I mean you live and learn. Literally. Things that were VERY black and white at 21, suddenly have a few shades of gray thrown in a decade later. A position in which you'd NEVER thought you'd budge or see another side of suddenly becomes crystal clear... from the other side.

And lastly, the hardest lesson I've had to learn- a true friend doesn't cut you out of their life b/c you make decisions they don't agree with. (<---Pardon my dangling participle) They may not talk to you as much... they dang sure won't agree with you... and you might get a head shake or two, but they DON'T cut you out and tell you "I can't have someone like you in my life"... simply because you aren't doing what they think you should. You aren't forcing your beliefs on them, you aren't trying to get them to join your gang, you aren't doing anything but sharing something that you think is really cool. And yet they still cut you out. Sad.

The good news is, I don't have to live with the consequences of that action. I mean, it sucks I won't have a relationship with that person anymore. But it's on their terms. I have no problem with them. If they decide that maybe they were a lil judgmental and double checked that name plate (that didn't say GOD on it) and call me up, I'll welcome them with open arms. Maybe that's dumb of me, but I've also learned that it really IS hard work to stay mad at someone. It really IS hard work to judge somebody up and down. So, I choose not to do it. (Assert my opinion? Yes. Call someone a dumbass? Yes. But cut a loved one out of my life cause they went a different way than I woulda gone? Heck no.)

To Wit: My best friend and I do not always agree on things. She does some things that really get my head to shaking. I assert my opinion and tell her I think she's being a dumbass and then you know what I do? Tell her I love her no matter what and change the subject to what does she think about that dude on that one episode of Millionaire Matchmaker. Know why? Cause I love her. Unconditionally. (Someone double check me, but I'm pretty sure that's in the Bible somewhere) She does the same thing to me. Shakes her head, calls me a dumbass and then we talk about what happened on the latest episode of Celebrity Rehab w/ Dr. Drew.

DISCLAIMER: If there's someone in your life who is a bad influence b/c they're harping on you constantly to do bad things then please, by all means, make arrangements to distance yourself. But I think having someone try to convince you to build a meth lab in your kitchen for em is in a whole nother league from sharing exciting news about a possible life change (that's not illegal).

I take great comfort in the fact that to call out people who exhibit this type of judgmental behavior and cutting of the ties (who also usually happen to be under the age of 25. Coincidence? I think not) would be depriving them of the EVOLVING I mentioned, above.

So to all my younger readers out there (ha. ha. This is funny because I have sooooo many readers.) Keep what Auntie Mandy has said in the back of your mind, but most importantly: KEEP YOUR MIND OPEN. Cause when you close it off... when you deal in absolutions... you back yourself into a corner. And that's a real hard place from which to extract yourself. (<---Proper English. SCORE!)