This Must Be How Cinderella Felt When Everyone Was at the Ball But Her. :(

So last week (Thursday to be exact) Ed packed up the last of his stuff and booked it to Minnesota, where it is currently a BALMY 58 degrees, cloudy and windy.

But I ain't jealous. Nooo.... not at all.

Bah, who am I kiddin. Haters gone hate. And right now, I'm a hater.

I am not a fan that I was FINALLY starting to like Ed. Finally able to count on him to help around the house and with CJ. And he left.

I am not a fan that he gets to see my BFF daily, and I'm stuck here.

I am not a fan that in about 6 weeks it will still be hotter than Satan's Testicles and he'll be marveling in the beauty that is the first snowfall of the season.

I am not a fan that 2/3 of the people that I love most in the world are up THERE and I am down HERE.

Nope. Not a fan.

I AM, however, a fan of him having the opportunity to get out "on his own" and make it.

I AM a fan of him being true to himself and doing what HE felt was necessary, regardless of what everyone else (including me) thought.

I AM (gonna be) a fan of the money he insists on sending home to help pay down the credit card bills *cough*thataremine*cough* because he knows how badly I want to live near Kelly. I can't do that until the bills are gone and at the rate I was going it would be a few years. With Ed helping, it'll be a few months.

I AM a fan that we're going to be more than a day's drive away from his family so they can't stalk us.

As easily.

The logical part of me knows that this is an amazing opportunity for him. Truly, if it weren't for me or his parents, the boy would not have a roof over his head. Living here he's not even CAPABLE of putting one over his head b/c his industry is so slow right now. I will say this: he was NOT mooching off of me. At all. The fact of the matter is, my mortgage was gonna be paid regardless of whether he lived there or not. So he could stay there. He helped buy food and did work around the house, but I wouldn't let him do more than that cause it was my house and my responsibility.

I cannot imagine being unable to provide for myself and CJ. I cannot not imagine that kind of fear and insecurity. Ed lived it daily.

I cannot imagine having to ask my parents for a DIME. Ed lived it daily.

Then, what started as a joke with me telling Jon last month, "Hey- I know a guy who can rebuild a Detroit in 17 hours!" turned into a legit opportunity for him to make $20/hr, work 50-60 hours/week. (Apparently they do NOT get slow in the trucking industry up north. Jon desperately needed a smart, slightly manic mechanic who could help him from stroking out at 32, Ed needed to be needed and appreciated. And kept busy)

SO. Kelly helped Ed find a place to live- he'll be sharing a duplex with an older guy, who seems totally cool, according to Kelly and Jon (and Ed). He's only gotta pay $300/mo for rent, and that covers everything except the food he wants to eat. He'll live all of 6 blocks from Kelly, and a few miles from work. Won't need much gas, doesn't have any other bills to pay 'cept his cell phone and the Snap-On man. He'll save some, he'll spend some, but a good chunk will come home to me to save and pay off my good friends at American Express and Mastercard. For the first time in his life, he'll be putting a roof over his head and unselfishly providing for his "family" without help from anyone. F-in' A, man!

I feel the need for a disclaimer: I told him he provided fine. He paid his child support, he helped out around the house and with CJ, and that's all he needed to do. He said he was glad that those things helped, but it wasn't enough for him, as a man. He felt that bringing in money was a huge part of what constituted "providing" and he had a chance to make it. Short term loneliness, long term happiness. And that's ok. He has to be right within himself, ya know? It's not ALL about money, but if we ever want to get ahead and live worry free, we need to be done with the bills and live off one income.

I also feel like this is a great litmus test for our relationship as a whole. CAN he resist the temptation to blow all that money? To be come the dependable partner/father that he wants to be? To be my knight in shining armor?

Or is Kelly gonna end up taking a turn at throwing him in the padded room for a few days?

Then there's me. I have a great job and a house down here. I refuse to be a landlord, so I'll have to sell the house in a crap market (which is fine. I'm content for someone to just take over the durn payments. It's not like I HAVE to make a profit on this sucker. I just want it off my books) I'll be giving up the Princess-iest job in the world, that brings in lots o' money and benefits. Don't even get me started on the FRINGE benefits.

So what do I get in return? (Because keep in mind, I'm going NOWHERE unless I have no bills and money in the bank in MY NAME in case shiznit goes down at some point. Mama will ALWAYS have an escape fund. Always.)

I get the dependable man I always wanted. (Dependable Man also comes with self-esteem, a stronger work ethic and a Kung Fu grip to handle those wankers that get in your way) It also just so happens to be the same man which I have invested much time and love into, and who's my baby daddy.

I get to try a different way of life at a good time in my life (I'm still young- relatively speaking- and since we wouldn't move until CJ was done with VPK, she'd have to start "real school" anways. It's not like she'll be totally uprooted). Besides, if I decide I hate it there, then we come back to Florida debt free and with no regrets because, hey, we gave it a shot.

I get to live near my best friend!

I get to see leaves change!

I get FALL! And SPRING!

Because there won't be debt, I will get to take time setting up a house (we'd rent until after CJ was done with Kindergarten, then reevaluate and decide which one of us would buy a house if we opted to stay for a longer period of time) and I can take my time choosing a job that I'll really enjoy vs HAVING to take a job because I have bills to pay.

Much like Ed lived with me and I paid "my" bills here, I would be doing the same with him. He would be paying "his" bills and CJ and I would live there (enter: Escape Fund, just in case) Any money I make would go into savings for tires, alignments (cause their roads succcckkkk up there) and visits home. Because metal would have been tested and proven, I would trust that he would pay the bills, he would trust that I would keep a healthy savings account and neither of us would be liable for anything (like vehicle payments) since our finances would be separated because we aren't be married- and have no plans to be anytime soon.

Bad-scene scenario? Ed tells me mid-February, "Baby, I can't do this. I'm sorry, I tried, but when my year is up, I need to come home. I know I'm partly miserable b/c you aren't here, but the lack of sunlight is really messing up my brain, the meds aren't as effective and it's just not good for me long-term." Shoot, I can respect that. So he comes home next fall and we're debt free.

Worst case scenario? Ed's up there, blows the money he was supposed to send home, I still get child support and continue on my original plan of paying down my bills slowly, but surely, and live in security with my job, in my house here in Tallahassee.

WORST worst case scenario? The bills are paid off, the house is sold, we move up there, Ed flips out for some unknown reason, I have my escape fund and CJ and I live just fine, like we do here.

See? Even my contingency plans have contingency plans. (Thank you, FSU Risk Management Department for your EXCELLENT teaching staff!)

Overall? I'm REALLY excited. Because I finally have a chance to get out of debt quickly and start new. Some people *cough*mydaddy*cough* can't fathom why I'd want to leave the set up that I have here. It's not that I WANT to leave it, but I can say "I know I'd regret it if things fell into place and I didn't take the opportunity." I'm a real believer in things working out the way they're supposed to. That Ed was able to move up there, get the job and start working happened WAY too well and WAY too easily for it to be sheer coincidence. If the same happens here for us to be able to move, then we will.

For now? I'm kinda sad. Like the title says "This must be how Cinderella felt when everyone went to the ball but her." I feel like I'm missing out... I feel like I'm "stuck" scrubbing the floors and doing the laundry while everyone else is having fun. But then I remind myself, that's not the reality. Reality is that Kelly is MY best friend, not Ed's. And while he loves her to pieces, and her him, they'd both rather *I* be there with them. Ed is working 60 hours a week in a place he's been to only once (for the interview, 3 weeks ago) in a climate he's had ZERO experience with (except for that one week in 1999. For real. He spent a week in the snow Michigan in 1999. And hated it. Yet, he's gonna go give it the ol' college try for me. Awww...) And he's doing it with relatively little "life" experience, because he's been so sheltered/enabled all these years.

Y'all... that's pretty freakin' awesome. Downright ballsy. Could he fall on his bum? Ab-so-frickin-lutely. But he can also OWN this. He can prove to everyone- most importantly, himself- that he's fully capable of having this gawd-awful illness (bi-polar disorder) and still function juuuuust fine, thank you very much.

When I asked him why- why would he leave everything he's ever known he said "I know how much you love Kelly and want to be near her... and I know I need to prove myself. This can accomplish both. I just want to be with you and CJ. You could tell me you wanted to live in Alaska and I wouldn't care, just as long as I was with you and CJ. If I can go up there and live a few months on my own, send home money and help get you where you want to be faster, then how can I NOT do this?"

Wow.

Yeah. He MIGHT just be a keeper. Proof'll be in the puddin', but he's off to a good start. What's that old saying "The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step."?

Personally, I like "SHOW. ME. THE MONEY!"

Greedy beyotch, remember?