Et tu, Subconscious?

So two nights in a row I've had these long, vivid dreams. I don't know about y'all, but my dreams are always chopped up or don't follow along any sort of plot line. These dreams though, theeese were different. I can even remember thinking "Wow. This is a really long dream... and it makes sense. Freaky."

Saturday night I had a dream that certain people from a certain state that I frequent came to Florida to visit. A certain someone from that certain group of people from that certain state that I frequent was also here. That certain someone was dating their own certain someone. This whole dream sequence ends with me getting a kiss on the cheek, a smile and "I could get used to this." Then a REAL kiss that screamed "I love you. I've always loved you. I'm not going anywhere." *

* In my defense, I was reading City of Glass this weekend (It's part of The Mortal Instruments series, by Cassandra Clare. Read it. Better n' Twilight. Promise.) Anywho, in this particular part of the book, Clary and Jace were tortured because they loved each other and couldn't be together. I'd like to think that was a major contributing factor to the dream. I'd like to THINK that, but it's probably not true.

So I woke up yesterday morning feeling rested, peaceful and happy (since my dream had been so peaceful and happy). Then I realized it was a dream. Then I was sad. Then I did the whole pissed n' bitter thing again and cussed the bejezus outta my subconcious.

Then I went to church. Cause cussin' is wrong. Even if it's your own subconcious.

This brings me to last night: I watched the Super Bowl.*

*Madonna SERIOUSLY looked like She-Ra when she first came on stage, y'all. SHE-RA.

I ironed. I finished my book and started another one. I texted my BFF.

And then I found out that the certain someone from my dream the previous night wanted to bring his new girlfriend and her little girl to an upcoming birthday party. Ugh. Can I NOT escape all of this? (At least my BFF has my back. She's in charge of the shindig and assured me I would be rep-rah-zent-ed. *fist bump*)

I mulled all this over while I read and showered and did my end of the night stuff. I took my sleeping meds, but they didn't work. The only time THAT happens is when Gerty's acting up. So, a special shout out to Gerty for NOT HELPING MY ISSUES AT ALL, you hag!

I didn't fall asleep until past midnight.

Then my subconscious sucker punched me AGAIN.

It graced me with another long and vivid dream. Wait. Did I say dream? I meant nightmare. And yes, I'm going to bore you with it. Because I hate symbolism and I'm sick of this BS so I want someone else's opinion on WTF my subconscious has against me.

In this dream I was going out to help some scientists research this fault line in the ocean. The water was just pouring into it. It looked really cool actually. So we do our research and go back to the beach house.

I feel it important to note that there was no one in this dream that I knew. Just me and a bunch of faceless scientists.

So we're at the house and I look out the back window (which, incidentally is the back wall. The entire wall is glass) and I see this tsunami coming at us. I distinctly remember thinking "Well, you're researching a fault line just offshore, of course there's going to be a tsunami. Wow. That thing's gotta be 100ft high!") The guy that owns the house tells us not to panic, we're high enough that the water will miss us and the pillars of the house are embedded into the bedrock, so just hold on- the house was tsunami-proof. Sure enough, I feel the impact of the wave and see things underneath us wash out, but we're okay.

WHEW, right?

No.

No sooner did that wave pass then I look out and see another one coming for us. And another impact. And another impact. (Interestingly enough, all of the waves were the EXACT same height and looked EXACTLY the same. I even remember that the water was dark blue as it was coming at us) After about 3 or 4 waves the guy says "Ok, well the house wasn't built to withstand THIS much action, so we need to evacuate onto the boat"*

*Apparently, while my subconscious had no problems torturing me, it couldn't seem to come up with a plausible explanation as to WHY the boat was still there after 4 tsunamis. Whatevs, Subconscious. Whatevs.

So now we're on the boat. And the waves keep a comin'... and the boat keeps a rockin'. Cause we can't go anywhere. We're stuck. Something's wrong with the motor. So even though we aren't in the house anymore, we're still sitting ducks.

I was never really terrified. Just... TIRED. Instead of thinking "OMG! I'm gonna DIE!" I was thinking "Son of a... can't SOMEONE drop a nuke in that fault line and stop these gotdang tsunamis? I'm TIRED!"

The last wave was the worst, though, it actually completely rolled the boat. I DO remember thinking "Ok. Wow. Well, this one is gonna finish us off."

And then my alarm went off.

So I turned off the alarm AND WENT RIGHT BACK INTO THE DREAM WHERE I LEFT OFF.

That never happens. Once you wake up from a dream, you're up.*

*Or so I thought

Apparently Subconscious wasn't quite done torturing me.

So I go back into the dream*

*and remember thinking IN THE DREAM "Wow... this is a long snooze button. Shouldn't it be going off soon?"

and SOMEHOW that wave DIDN'T kill me. I was given an option: Stick around and figure out the cause of all the waves, or evacuate. I distinctly remember thinking "Nuh-uh. I know what caused all this to happen. I wanna go HOME!"

Then CJ, bless her, came in and woke me up. The reason I heard no snooze button, apparently, was I turned the dang alarm OFF. Thank the Maker I had only slept an extra 7 minutes past when I HAD to be up.

I felt like DEATH, y'all. Felt like I had LITERALLY stood on the shores and battled tsunami, after tsunami, after tsunami.

So I did what any reasonable person would do. I got to work and Googled the shiznit outta "Tsunami Dreams." Here's the jist of what I came up with:

Water in dreams symbolizes emotions. Tsunamis represent repressed emotions which can no longer be held back, or an emotional situation which is about to burst into the waking world. The fact that I kept facing the tsunami over and over again indicates a way of dealing with whatever emotions it represents. (So either the emotions keep coming back or Ima stand there like the stubborn witch I am till they go away. Prolly both.) Apparently the height of the wave symbolizes the size of the problems or emotions (lil’ wave=lil problem etc). I guess a 100ft wave is nothing to sneeze at, but it’s not like it’s 2012 or The Day After Tomorrow sized, ya know? So it’s a problem that needs to be handled, but isn’t catastrophic.

*My* guess is being upset about that certain someone yesterday and last night contributed. The anger and irritation keep coming up over and over again, so I keep facing it over and over again (like the wave). I’m not sure if the wave means that I’ve been dealing with it for a long time or I’m GOING to be dealing with it for a long time. Either way. Clearly, it’s bugging me.

Another hypothesis (offered up by a dear friend) was that the height of the waves indicated the height of my emotional investment. I know I'm strong, so I face them. But I also know that by doing so, I'm going to get banged up pretty bad. I know I have to go through it though, so I stand alone and face it (which explains why I was the only one I knew in the dream).

I'd like to think that means I'm kinda bad ass. Messed up in the head, sure. But kinda bad ass. I didn't run from it, at least. I faced it down. Over and over and over again.

I welcome anyone's thoughts on this. I'm tired of mine. I've tried being logical, reasonable, negotiable... but my subconscious just won't let go. And I don't know how to make it.