For those of you won't don't know, Gerty is what I've named my thyroid. Because she's huge. Like a goiter. Ok, not REALLY, but I'm self-conscious and she FEELS like a goiter. So. Gerty the Goiter it is.
Mine and Gerty's relationship was non-existant till after CJ came along. Apparently, it's somewhat common to develop thyroid problems after a baby. (Thanks, kiddo! Cause the 39 hours of labor wasn't enough of a present for me!) I have what's called Hashimoto's Thyroiditis- an autoimmune disease. In Layman's terms, HT is when your thyroid is going along minding its own business when suddenly, out of nowhere, my own ANTIBODIES (you know, the thingies that fight infection?) attack it. No cause. No provocation. Somewhere a switch was flipped and the antibodies declared war on poor, innocent, Gerty.
When I was first diagnosed, I asked my Endocrinologist "Well... can we just yank it out?" (As most people who know me will tell you- Mandy's answer to everything is "Put me to sleep and take it out.") Nope. They can't take it out. It's too risky a procedure for something that might not work. So I said "Well, why wouldn't it work? Antibodies attack thyroid. Thyroid goes away. Problem solved." Oh no. See, they would have to SCRAPE all around my larynx (possibly damaging my vocal cords) and even then there's a chance that they wouldn't get all the tissue... which would just lead to continued problems. Awesome.
Ok... well, what about meds? Something to help regulate this? Nope. That won't work either. Really? REALLY? I have GOD awful hot flashes, like I'm frickin' menopausal. I get insomnia so strong that nothing short of general anesthesia will put me out, my periods are all over the place... WHY on God's green earth can you not give me some synthroid? "Oh... well see, here's the thing. TECHNICALLY your thyroid is still working properly."
Eh?
"Yeah, see if you look at the bloodwork, your T3 and T4 levels are totally where they're supposed to be. It's just that when something triggers your immune system (thus triggering the antibodies into action) it causes things to spaz out IMITATING an overactive thyroid... but it's really not overactive. So if we were to give you thyroid meds, you'd be totally F'd up after the inflammation died down because your thyroid REALLY didn't need the meds."
Eh?
(Yeah. It took me awhile to get it too)
Ok fine... well what about the symptoms? Can we treat the SYMPTOMS? Can I have some Ambien for the insomnia? Is there anything for hot flashes? "Yeah... about that. Ambien's kinda addictive, so we don't like to give that out much and no... there's nothing else we can do. But cheer up! At SOME POINT the antibodies will win the war, your thyroid will die and THEN we can put you on synthroid." Yet again, AWESOME.
Now let me say this: Gerty does have some redeeming value. Well. She has ONE redeeming value: my metabolism. Gerty got me from a size 8 to a size 4 in a year. With no exercise, no dieting. Pretty freakin' awesome right? Sure... if you don't mind random hot flashes, insomnia and a ginormus lump in the middle of your throat. But I can't really dwell on all that because, again, Gerty WILL die one day. And then I'll get fat. And that's just not an option. Guess I'll have to cross that bridge when I get to it.
So now my new game has become "Guess when Gerty's gonna blow" Because SERIOUSLY, people. She is the most FINIKY thyroid I imagine has ever existed. A lot of folks know that stress can trigger your immune system (how many times are you working a bunch of OT, or trying to balance your budget and then you come down with a cold or something? It's because the stress lowered your immune system making you more susceptible to that cold) What a lot of people DON'T know is that your body can't tell the difference between "good" stress and "bad" stress.
Good Stress: Flying up to visit your BFF for 10 days
Bad Stress: Going through a divorce
Truly, the body reads them both as stress and therefore sends out the call to the antibodies. And with me, like I said, my antibodies ain't just lookin for germs.
So Gerty could blow at anytime. When my spring allergies kick in... when I spend a week and a half with Kelly... when Ed & I get into a big fight. Yup. NOOOOOO tellin'. Have I mentioned how AWESOME this is?
Last year I started taking the pill again. I really had no reason for it except that I was hopeful that the hormones in the pill would override Gerty's mood swings and could keep my cycle on SOMETHING of a schedule. So far so good. But now I'm starting to wonder: Are the extra hormones/signals that Gerty is sending out when she's pissed interfering with the hormones in the pill?
So. I've told you all of that to tell you this: My boobs are huge. Like, really huge. Like, I'm pretty sure they weren't this swollen when I was the sole nutrition source for another human being. And they huuuurt. Baaaad. My bra hurts. No bra hurts. Nothing helps, everything HUUUURTTS. I'm swollen (I hope. I hope this isn't fat) to the point that my size 4s are just barely on this side of uncomfortable and now I cry when I have to put on my size 6s. (I know most people would kill for EITHER of those sizes, but when you've been a size 4 with no issues for a year or so, you don't EEEEVER wanna go back. Don't judge me.) Anything other than flip flops hurt my feet. (See swelling, above) My poor mind is exhausted, but my body won't stop unless someone shoots me with a damned tranquilizer dart.
So do I stop the pill and wonder when the hell I'll get a period? No. That's just trading one set of problems for another. Do I live in a bubble away from all stressors, good and bad, for the rest of my day? I wish, but no. Apparently the bank likes their mortgage payment on time. GAH! I hate it when I don't have options!
Gerty. I'll find a way to tolerate the hot flashes and the insomnia. And I can learn my angles to hide your goiter-ness. But so help me GOD. If you EVER let me get fat again, I swear on everything that's ever been held holy by anyone on the face of this earth- I'll rip you out MYSELF.
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